Messaage from Santa

rstarr · 12-02-2002, 08:15 PM

Seemed funny at the time...

Dear Friends

I have been watching you very closely
to see if you have been good this year
and since you have I will be telling my elves
to make some goodies for me to
leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all
gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have
all come down with VD from fiddling with
the 10 ladies dancing,
the 11 lords leaping have knocked up
the 8 maids a-milking, and the
9 piperspiping have been arrested
for doing weird things to the
7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying,
4 calling birds,
3 French hens,
2 turtle doves
and the partridge in a pear tree
have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this!
Mrs. Claus is going through menopause,
8 of my reindeer are in heat,
the elves have joined the gay liberation
and some people who can't read a calendar
have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able
to get my shit together and bring you the things you want.
This year I suggest
you get your asses down to Walmart
before everything is gone.

Love,

Santa.

NOVA5 · 12-03-2002, 06:32 PM

hehe... santa... go get laid by a bad girl. she will make you forget everything has gone to hell..

rstarr · 12-03-2002, 06:54 PM

Guess I should have put a more catchy title to this...

CerealKiller · 12-07-2002, 03:49 PM

This is _the_ best santa humor ever:

Santa Answers His Mail

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot before they had you, didn't they?
Santa

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of scotch.
Santa

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dearest Santa
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa

12-02-2002, 08:15 PM	#1
rstarr Still cruising Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Radcliff, KY Posts: 12,012	Messaage from Santa Seemed funny at the time... Dear Friends I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9 piperspiping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit. On top of all this! Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January. Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the things you want. This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before everything is gone. Love, Santa. __________________ HCW F@H Member Stats • F@H Home • F@H FAQ• Stats site•

12-03-2002, 06:32 PM	#2
NOVA5 Autobots, ROLL OUT! Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Inside my pc.. Posts: 1,470	hehe... santa... go get laid by a bad girl. she will make you forget everything has gone to hell.. __________________ Old sig so far outta date.. eventually i'll update it.

12-03-2002, 06:54 PM	#3
rstarr Still cruising Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Radcliff, KY Posts: 12,012	Guess I should have put a more catchy title to this... __________________ HCW F@H Member Stats • F@H Home • F@H FAQ• Stats site•

12-07-2002, 03:49 PM	#4
CerealKiller Boy in the hood Join Date: May 2002 Location: Oslo, Norway Posts: 222	This is _the_ best santa humor ever: Santa Answers His Mail Dear Santa I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot before they had you, didn't they? Santa ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Dearest Santa We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa __________________ I let the girl sleep on the wet stain.